Monday, July 16, 2007



Living life aimlessly...

I hav 2 admit...all tis while, I've been living my life aimlessly. Goin thru everyday 2 the best of my abilities...trying my best 2 make everything go smoothly. Bt I guess nt everything in life can go smoothly...things r bad @ home, been given snide remarks abt marriage & stuffs. Nw, things between my dearest & me r getting bad 2...having arguements on & off. She even suggested dat it wud be better bein frens den lovers dat day wen i tot it wud make her feel better as i surprised her coming 2 her sch 2 fetch her after her gamelan practice...the fact dat she didn't even see me sitting there was alredi painful 4 me bt i guess she didn't see me so i let it go. Guess its all my fault...nt bein stern enuf 2 make my own way in life, telling my family 2 let me live my life. I've suffered enuf nt bein able 2 gain invaluable experience on my own 2 feet...I've let them control my life till they got so used 2 it dat they stil wan 2 do it even tho I'll be turning 25 tis yr. The fact dat she suggested us bein frens alredi showed wat a failure I am in life...proof dat maybe wat I've felt all thru out my life dat I'll nt hav a family is slowly becoming a reality. Maybe I'm nt fated 2 hav a family of my own...I'm fated 2 live out the rest of my life all on my own 4 I'm nt able 2 handle relationships well. Even my own family has kinda thrown me aside...& nw, she wans 2 do the same. She has her own reasons...& i understand. Who wud wan 2 be wif a guy who lets his mum control his life rite..?? A mummy's boy...like i told her, no girl wud wan 2 be wif a guy like me. Her patience is waning...& i understand. She's been patient all tis while & all i've shown her is nothing...no proof dat wat i've been doin is 4 us. Tho i hope dat she wud be a lil more patient...bt i can't keep her holding on forever. All our msgs used 2 be so lovey-dovey bt nw, its juz a few words & dats it...she said dat all i do nw is,"Hav a gd day & take care.." wen in fact, i don wan 2 force her 2 chat if she doesn't wan 2. Maybe, her patience has alredi worn out...my heart aches seeing her msgs being short & nt filled wif love.

Her suggestion kip playing in my head..."better bein frens den lovers". I knw wat i've been doin is hurting her...bt i knw, letting her go wil hurt her even more & hurt me 2. Hw i wish i cud change my life instantly & make things better 4 us bt changes nids time 2 take effect & somehow..time is nt on my hands. Tho i've tried 2 make time 4 us...it seems dat they r nt enuf. All my plans r nt gd enuf...all i'm seen 2 be doin is nt making any efforts 2 make things better 4 us. How i wish i cud make the world pause & let me be wif her...4 as long as i cn. Bt nw, it seems dat she has lost all hope on me...& she has every right 2, after all dat i've done. Nw, i shall live my life aimlessly...as i've always been doin all my life.

~=[RaMbLiNgS Of a sLaCkEr]=~
Rahmat blogged at 8:55 AM

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